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My

I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
‪I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa. ‬
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."

A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"