What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
Which month can’t make a decision?
MAY-be.
I am so dedicated to basketball, but I promise you I will bring that dedication to our relationship.
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
The barista may have forgotten your name... but I sure haven't.
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
What is a dog’s ideal job?
A barkeologist.
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?
Go for the jugular.
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
Hey, Are you made of candy? Because you look sooo sweet!
Are you as spicy as your artisan hot sauce?
when I’m with you.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.
Q. How does a tree get on the computer?
A. It logs on!
I think I’m developing tics. I just can’t help but wink at you.
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
What do you can an ant scientist?
Albert Antstein.
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
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