My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
You should go in the water, cuz you're so hot you're on fire!
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
I know that 70% of the human body is composed of H2O, but the tall drink of water I'm looking at is probably 97%.
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
Let’s pretend you’re a croc so we can wrestle!
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
Ya gotta check it out. My water bed is full of beer.
Are you an onion? Cause I want to peel your layers.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
"Really, our time together has just become more effort than you're worth."
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
How was heaven when you left it?
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
You've stolen a pizza my heart.
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
These thousand tricky tongue twisters trip thrillingly off the tongue.
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