If you were a basketball, I'd never pass because I want to keep you all to myself.

The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.

I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.

Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.

Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.

You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.

What do you call a rental car in Spain?
A Barceloaner.

“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.

Snow thank you.

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.


The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."

I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.

Want to ge together sometime and make Double Trouble?

What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.

Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.

What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.

My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.

My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.

Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.

A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!

If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.

I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.

You’re my #1 pick.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain

At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel

I hope my love for you is arterial because I don’t want it to be all in vein.

Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.

What was the scariest prehistoric animal? The Terror-dactyl!

Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.

“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”

What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.

I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.

Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!

Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.

“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown

I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.

What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".

I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.

I am so dedicated to basketball, but I promise you I will bring that dedication to our relationship.

What is a mathematician's favorite part of a big Thanksgiving feast?
Pumpkin pi.

"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben

When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.

What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.

I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.

I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"

A shepherds spy.

The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.

When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.