What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
I normally fish for trout but I'll make and exception for you.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
A fortune-teller told me you’ll give me your number tonight. Was she right?
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
How do you Charlemange-age to get through the last few days before vacation?
Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet slitter.
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
What did Abel yell to his brother when he noticed a storm coming?
Hurry, Cain!!
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Let's go for a spin!
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
How do mares keep track of their boyfriends?
A stud book.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
Did you get your license suspended for driving so many guys crazy?
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
You look pretty fun, I hope this means I’m headed into a new S-era of good luck
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
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