What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.
You can drive my car, and if you'd like, I also have a Yellow Submarine
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
Are you teh Easter Bunny? Because you’ve spent the entire day hopping around in my head.
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
Why was the crocodile invited to glamorous parties?
Because she was a snappy dresser.
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
Nice asteroids.
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
when I’m with you.
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
Your name must be Lucky Charms because you’re magically delicious!
How is a pig’s tail like 4 o’clock in the morning? It’s twirly.
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
Thank you for teaching me about bargaining
It means a great deal.
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
If you cross a bee and a lizard, you'll get a blizzard!
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
Wanna go out this weekend? Maybe go on a quick John-t around town?
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
What do you get if you cross a baseball pitcher and a carpet?
A throw rug.
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.
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