My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun?
He wanted to robbit.
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
The gang of crows used a crowbar to break into the house.
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
The barista may have forgotten your name... but I sure haven't.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
Repeat this as many times as you get rejected until you get the number. Works like a charm.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
We can share my yoga mat so we can become one.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
Irish you were beer.
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn't getting any hits.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
You must be the iceberg from Titanic and I'm the ship because tonight we're gonna smash.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
My lips are like skittles. Wanna taste the rainbow?
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
Baby you be the tree and I'll wrap around you like a koala bear.
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? The Space bar!
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
"Roses are red, violets are blue. We're breaking up beacause I never loved you."
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