Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
Why was the evergreen so lonely in high school? She was always pining to become a part of the poplar kids.
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
Why should you never do math with a tiger?
If you add 4+4 you're gonna get ate.
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment when they discover a hard drive labeled "KGB".
One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, "Why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?"
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Girl you're like my favorite Spotify playlist... No matter how much I wander I'd always come back to you.
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
Why was the wheelchair basketball team banned from the Paralympics?
They all tested positive for WD-40.
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
I don’t want an apple a day because I don’t want you to go away.
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
I'm cold just thinking about Canada. Let's cuddle.
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach?”
Dad: “Shore?”
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
Winnie the PU!
Sorry, I can't play hide and seek. Someone like you is simply impossible to find.
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
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