A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
What is a dog’s favorite dessert?
Pupcakes.
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.
Let’s shell-ebrate good times and tan lines.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
Don't fork-get your manners.
I'm local, all natural, homemade and certified organic: wanna taste?
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
You’re so attractive, the gravitational disturbance is causing my galactic center to elongate.
If there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I have been searching for!
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
Do you have any plans tonight? If not do you mind If I Jona you than?
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
Why are mice afraid of the water?
Because of catfish.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
Call me Joshua, because I'm going to break down your walls.
The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
Are you a lion of the sea? Because I’m sure, I’ll see you in my bed tonight, lion.
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
Ah, I always knew all Alexanders were Great
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
- Dad, where are the DVDs? Where's Shrek, I want to watch it.
- Somewhere ogre there.
For his birthday, the snowman wants a cake with lots of icing on it.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
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