“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What milk comes from Spain?
Soy Milk.
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
I heard they’re remaking one of the Lord of the Rings movies, but everyone rides around on bicycles instead of horses.
They’re calling it The Two Tires
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
What do we call a deer that wears a mask and refuses to tell its name?
“Anony – moose.”
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.
Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.
How was Heaven when you left it?
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
What do Russians call a bad WiFi connection?
Inter-NIET
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
Babe, all the trail leads straight to you.
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
If there's a will, there's a wave.
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
Can you teach me how to use this machine?
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
Your clothes would look better accelerating towards the floor at 9.8 m/s.
I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Less than you, I would guess.
If I supply the voltage and you supply the resistance, imagine the currents we can make together.
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