How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
I don't normally put all my eggs in one basket, but I wanna be your number one bunny, honey.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
My personal trainer said I have to come over and talk to you for five minutes as part of my routine.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
What kind of gang violence is common among owls?
A drive by hooting.
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
What does the birch like to study in school? Chemistree.
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
A bit late but here goes anyway: what do you call the elf who checks Santa's grammar?
A subordinate claus!
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
Did you hear about the guy who got killed by a bear?
It was a grizzly death.
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
If you think my Camel pose is impressive, wait until you see my Cobra.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
The crow decided to dress up as Corvid-19 virus for the Halloween costume party.
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
On a Halloween night, long ago,
I went trick or treating with Margo;
We went as Jack and Jill,
And our pail we did fill,
Back in the city of Chicago.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
Is there a magnet in here because I'm really attracted to You.
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
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