Are you my new favorite song? Because I'd like to hear you on repeat.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
The ref better give me 2 for hooking, 'cause baby I'm hooked on you.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
The tiger asked his longtime friend, "Will you be my tigerlfriend."
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.
He was Tolkien all the way through.
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
What will you call a crazy spaceman? An astronaut.
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
Hey Girl! Are you a software program?
Because you've been running in my memory all day.
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
"I'll always remember last night, but I think we can forget about tomorrow."
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
I wish this gym had a stationary bike built for two.
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
Why wasn't the jogger all that bummed out when his girlfriend broke up with him?
'Cause they had a good run.
Is your eyesight as bad as your cell phone reception? Because that was a terrible call.
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
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