My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
Why’d you dress up as a princess, when you could have simply come in plain clothes as the most beautiful girl at the Halloween party?
Can February March? No. But April May.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
My personal trainer said I have to come over and talk to you for five minutes as part of my routine.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
Did you know I’m a flower? Because I just need somebudy like you.
There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
What’s the capital of France?
The F.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
When I look into the future, I see you giving me your number.
Why can’t minerals ever lie? They’re always in their pure form.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
Hey, wanna be Jere-MY-ah?
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
I finally decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust.
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
"I wood never leaf you."
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
I want you to know I’m here for you no matter what, Alice. Tell me anything and Alice-en
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
If my life was a cake. Then you'd the cherry on top.
What do you call seasoned and dried robot meat?
Beep chirpy
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