Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Up for some action? I can finish with one touch.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
Are you a dictator? Because you have absolute power over me.
Just like a blue supergiant star, you’re exceedingly hot and extremely bright.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
My love for you is like the universe… never-ending!
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
I always get cuts and bruises because every single day, minute and second i keep on falling in love with you.
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
Your lab or my lab?
What’s a bats favorite desert?
I-Scream!
Your mausoleum or mine?
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
51. What does a car yell when something goes wrong?
‘Jesus Chrysler!’
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
My divorce attorney
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
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