I like the way you espresso yourself.
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
Of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies, I'm so lucky you walked into mine
You must have been born in Pearl Harbor, because baby you da bomb.
"Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing."
- Austin Powers (1999)
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!
Let’s act like we’re a couple of colonists and do a few intolerable acts together.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
Do you prefer stiff or limp fishing rods?
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
Are you tinsel? Because I want you all over my tree.
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
Me: I'll have a Corona please.
Waiter: *Cough*
Me: Thank you.
Are you Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
What do fish use to weigh themselves?
Scales!
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
My friend told me to come and meet you.
He said you're a really nice person. I think you know him.
Jesus, yeah that's his name.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Fall leaves whenever winter knocks on the door.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
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