I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
We should make like your parents and split.
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
I'd love to see you s'more.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
Do you have any raisins?
No? How about a date?
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.
What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!
What did the pig say to his friend who had been cheated upon?
Please don't go bacon this relationship.
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
You didn't hear the joke about cell phones?
Probably because it had a bad reception.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
Are you a bank loan? Because you got my interest!
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
If my life was a cake. Then you'd the cherry on top.
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!
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