Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners!
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
Affogato? Afforgeto where I am when I'm with you.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
My wife wanted to plant flowers
Problem is she hasn’t botany.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
Is your Spotify working? Because I would love you to join my family plan.
Hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of your clothes.
Your beauty is like Pi, never-ending.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
4G, or not 4G, that is the question.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
A fortune-teller told me you’ll give me your number tonight. Was she right?
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
Are you from China? Cause I'm China get your number.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
How can astronauts get more protein in their diet? They make it meteor.
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