"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
Why are coyotes howling in the night?
Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
You look pretty cool, I hope you don’t lead me Jack to square one
I enjoy your company and the silence in between our yoga mats.
Oh buoy – we’re having a splash bash!
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
I've never understood the fashion industry, those people are so clothes-minded.
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
Fresh French fried fly fritters
Would you sit on my feet while I do push ups?
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.
It’s worth a shot.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
Do you want to cosine on a mortgage with me?
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
Did you hear about the guy who was beaten by the King?
It’s a sore subject.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
"Look, our relationship is like doing push ups on your knees. It's just not working out"
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? MY ZIPPER!
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
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