What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!

I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99

Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz

Theres a party in my pants and your invited.

I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.

Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.

When I count my blessings, I make sure to count you twice.

I've never made an incomplete pass, and I hope you won't be my first.

Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.

You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life.

The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.

What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.

Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.

"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher

They can prohibit my alcohol, you intoxicate me enough.

How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship

Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution

What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.

Til death do us part and then some, dear.

When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.

What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.

Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.

Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!

"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

"You can't beat me."

I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Beats.
Beats who?
Beats me.

What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.

What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.

Did I Elijah’st fall in love?

What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.

Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.

How do you get dragon milk?
Find a cow with no back legs

Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.

Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.

I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.

Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?

Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.

Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.

Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.

I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.

I bet you sound like a Tasmanian Devil in bed.

Excuse me, do you have the time? I just want to remember the exact minute I got a crush on you.

You hear that? The ocean wants you to join me for a drink.

How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.

Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas