My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
No matter how much she trimmed the particular strand of grass, the unruly grass kept on growing- what a grass-cal!
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
One should always practice what they peach.
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
Wanna make out in my Tundra Buggy?
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
Sorry for not saying 'Bless You', it already seems that you are.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
"What an egg-citing day."
What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
Wanna churn butter with me?
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amish!
Amish who?
You're not a shoe!
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
You’re brew-tiful!
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
If you think a meteor is hard, you should see what you are doing to my missile.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
What do you call a parrot that won’t eat?
A Polly-no-meal.
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
Everyone wondered why Cinderella was such a bad player. If only they knew, her coach was a pumpkin.
With long legs like yours, you don't need high heels.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
Hey, let's hold a costume party. You can be a bank, and I can be alone!
I could work with the elves in the ribbon-tying department because I'm a pretty knotty girl.
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
You're such a TEAse.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
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