The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
Every book has some flaws and mistakes, no matter how good the editor. It’s bound to happen.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
My love for you is like a fruitcake during the holidays - nutty, spicy and unavoidable, no matter how hard you try.
My friends have been calling me a loon, because I'm crazy about you.
How about we skip the hors d oeuvres and head straight for the digestif?
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Roach.
Roach who?
Roach you a letter, did you get it?
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
The goal nine yards
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
The best punishment to give orange kids is getting them canned. This is the only way to prevent them from going bad.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now it has no friends.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
Let's play a game called TV, I turn your knobs and you watch my antennae rise.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
Q. What is a gorilla in a wheelchair called?
A. Dis-ape-led.
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
I got lost in the mist today.
I didn’t have the foggiest idea where I was.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
Military submarines are a deep navy blue in color.
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
So, what do you turn into at midnight?
Go to BabaMail
