What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?

I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.

Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!

We bee-long together.

There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself...

Girl, you must be blue because you’re the hottest star around right now.

Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.

What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.

Everyone wondered why Cinderella was such a bad player. If only they knew, her coach was a pumpkin.

I can get you off the Naughty List.

"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!

What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.

What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!

I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.

“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito

Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.

“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal

"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock

I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.

He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"

I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."

What do frogs do when they ski?
They rip it.

What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.

What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.

“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”

Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!

“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski

When life gives you mold - make penicillin.

You’re as sweet as Pi.

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

Bad puns are how eye roll.

Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.

There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.

There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.

As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.

Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!

(Ilene Bauer)

Grandmother Of Eight Makes Hole In One

The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.

Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.

"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."

How about we skip the hors d oeuvres and head straight for the digestif?

Who will Frankenstein’s monster take to the dance?
Any old girl he can dig up.

Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.

To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”

(John Dryden)

How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.

"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin

“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown

"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."

There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.

You’re my #1 pick.

Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.

“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg

A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.