Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
What did the snail say to the other who had hit him and run off? I'll get you next slime!
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.
I can die happily now because I have just seen a piece of heaven.
I'll feel more comfortable sleeping at night once I have your number.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
Baby, you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
What do ducks get after they eat?
A bill.
"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
How do koalas stay in shape? They do bearobics.
So I was reading my bible the other day and I was wondering if you know what Paul meant by "Greet one another with a holy kiss?"
The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."
Do you squat here often?
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
Q: What kind of desserts does a turkey like?
A: Peach gobbler.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
Hey girl, are you a Sharpie? Cause you are Ultra Fine.
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