Are you my phone charger? Because without you, I’d die

Hey, let me take you out on a first date in the snow - I promise I'm not a flaky person.

Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!

When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)

The Azteca Stadium in Mexico has been so neglectfully maintained that there are foot-long grasses on the pitch. Now we call it the Grass-teca Stadium.

Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.

Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.

You sweep me off my feet!

Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’

Why did the kicker finally decide to marry his high school sweetheart?
She was a fair catch!

“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”

The Best Break Up Lines
Want to know a joke? Our relationship.

Staying humble thanks to that fumble

Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!

You can fill my caudate nucleus with dopamine anytime.

"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill

What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.

You are beryllium, gold, and titanium all rolled into one. Simply BeAuTi-ful.

Do you mind if I slip my rope under your route?

It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?

"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley

My pants might be in the wrong place but my heart is always in the right place.

Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.

I fence-y you.

My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.

Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.

How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.

Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.

Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put down.

If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.

“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft

I'm not a snowman, but woman, you make my heart melt.

“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”

Hey Cinderella, must be time I took you home. It’s nearly midnight!

Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.

The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.

Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.

What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.

Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.

Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you

What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.

How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!

“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
Actually, it’s kangaroo.

“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock