You are un-beer-lievable!
Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.
Is your name Misty? You look so good in the rain.
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.
When you come across a werewolf with no legs, how do you call it? Call it anything because it cannot chase you!
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
Are you a virus? ‘Cause I think you’re taking control over my body.
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
when I’m with you.
Maybe you need a little Vitamin ME in your life.
What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.
Life is better when we stick together.
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
There’s only one thing I want to change about you, and that’s your last name.
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
Have a gneiss day! This is one of the simplest rock puns, but it is certainly a gneiss way to start your day out right!
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
Here in Australia it's already tomorrow, wanna know what we did last night?
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
You make me want to Twist and Shout
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Imma.
Imma Who?
Imma gettin’ old open the door!
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
How are a volleyball player and a carpenter similar? They both love to hammer spikes.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
Woah! What’s the name of THIS out-of-the-world body?
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
I'll be Burger King and you be McDonald's. I'll have it my way, and you'll be lovin' it.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
Are you a durian? Because you're a total snack, but you smell like rotting flesh.
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.