Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.
What did the bunny say to its crush? Hey there hop stuff.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a nice day.
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
How do knights communicate?
They use chain mail.
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
Grammar Nazis for math should be called Fibbonazis.
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
Hey girl, I've been warming up this bench for you my whole life.
Have you ever seen a guy eat an entire can of pinto beans in under 10 seconds? Would you like to?
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
Did you just fart?
Why, because I blew you away?
No, because you smell like sh*t.
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
I would part the Red Sea for you.
"You need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed often, and by someone who knows how."
- Clark Gable, Gone with the Wind (1939)
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
Built up some confidence to reach out…hope you don’t igNora me
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time
Why are mice afraid of the water?
Because of catfish.
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.
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