Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
They can prohibit my alcohol, you intoxicate me enough.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
Ommmm... let's meet up in our spirit form.
What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
What does a man desperate to urinate do in a room full of arrogant people?
Egos everywhere.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.
Charlotte, would you char-let me rock your world?
You know, I've never needed a third base coach to wave me home.
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
Air resistance is a real drag.
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
If you take the "L" out of LOVER. Its OVER.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
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