What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
John Travolta has been diagnosed with the Corona Virus.
He had chills that were multiplying.
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
You know what’s on the menu? ME-N-U
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
What is an evil dictator’s favorite type of weather?
A rain of terror.
After a good summer fling, it’s time to fall in love.
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A Hensemble.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
I used to believe in natural theology, but since I met you I've converted to divine revelation.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
What's the name of the machine the ancient greeks used to calculate how best to fight hybrid monsters?
The antichimera mechanism.
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
When I see you, I feel like I am going to reach my melting point.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
Did they over chlorinate the pool today or is it you making my head spin?
Your gloves are nice. Where did you get them?
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
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