What did the irritated crow said to his fried?
I won't talk to you if you don’t stop ravening.

I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."

Is it hot in here, or is that just the Holy Spirit burning in you?

Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!

The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.

An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.

In your hands my heart is clay, To take and hold as you may.

What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.

I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.

Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.

If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?

There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.

"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately

Need a cart? No? How about a girlfriend?

What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.

Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.

I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!

"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn

"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko

Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.

I Got to Get You Into My Life

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

I'm a good basketball handler, what about you?

Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.

What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.

What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.

I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."

"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi

Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!

What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!

What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.

What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.

What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!

“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling

Vegans really have a beef with meat.

A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.

What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.

I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.

(John Williams)

Why did the tree go to the dentist? To get a root canal.

On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan

A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”

I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause

What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!

Why do I want raisins when you are my only grape? Let's have some wine.

The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn

What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.

When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.

You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!

You’re my pot of gold.