Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
Hey cutie, I Sense you have a lot of Sensibility. Was that too Austen-tatious of me to point out?
The thought of you makes me redder than the sands at North Shore.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moonday.
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
Readers do it by the book.
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
Dr. Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It’s a new pill consisting of 50 percent glue and 50 percent aspirin.
Igor: But what is it for?
Dr. Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
Honey, you’re a slam dunk!
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Ears.
Ears who?
Ears one more beaver joke for you.
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents.
One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.
Roses are red, violets are blue, give me your number, so I can bloom with you.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend.
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
Some people like to play croc-quet.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
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