You’ve really Penelopeaked my interest
Digital burgers are nothing but processed meat.
Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,.... she's imaginary.
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
I'd like to get to know you biblically.
Tonight's forecast: 100% chance of love.
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
H20 is water, but what is H204?
It’s for swimming and drinking, of course.
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
I bet you’re really flexible.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
You’re the Higgs boson particle of my life… Because without you, my universe wouldn’t “matter.”
Call me Kathleen Wynne ‘cause I’d spend all my money on you.
I read a story about pig anatomy.
It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
Initially, the passenger couldn't find where his next flight was, but fortunately, he made the connection in time.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Girl, want to watch me play? I never miss the target.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
What does Spider-man become when he joins the circus?
an aracnobat.
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