I don't need 3D glasses to see how beautiful you are!
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
What did the river sue for?
Beaver damage.
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no-body to go with.
Call me the pace clock, cause you sure can count on me.
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
Your eyes are so blue I feel like I'm in the sky when I'm with you.
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Q. How do you start a letter written to Sears Roebuck?
A. Deer Sirs..
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
I like you a latke!
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
I’ve always thought that heck is the only thing hotter than the sun but that has all changed today.
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
You are pitcher perfect.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...
Current events.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
Girl, your really good at this catch and release thing. Every time I catch my breath around you, you make me lose it again.
Can I get your number?
One call, that's all.
Take an Avonleap of faith and go on a date with me!
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
Snow on and snow forth.
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
Fred fed Ted bread and Ted fed Fred bread.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
Are you that one more chapter? You keep me awake most of the time.
Hurricane Irene is a Category 3, but if it had your name it be a perfect 10.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
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