What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna partridge in a pear tree.
Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend?
"M'laria."
What is the call of a Spanish speaking owl?
Quién...Quién.
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
This relationship is kinda like the Superbowl LIII halftime show; I can’t wait for it to be over.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
Have you noticed that most wolf parties begin at around midnight? Well, it is not by coincidence, it is so that they can have a howling good time.
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
I was so amazed by your beauty that I had to run to the wall over there. So, I need to get your number and name to claim my insurance.
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
I think you might be a star, because I can't stop orbiting around you.
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
Go to BabaMail
