I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.
Woah, that attractive field of yours is pulling me in! By any chance, are you a Van de Graaff generator?
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fangs
Fangs who?
Fangs for letting me in!
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
People who fall sick at the airport possibly end up with terminal illness.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
Did you have sugar? Because you got a sweet smile.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
I feel like we're in tune
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
What happens when a koala drinks too much alcohol? He gets a bear gut.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
eople say they never get hungry at the beach
That’s because there’s sand, which is everywhere.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
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