"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
Football pitches are almost always so wet. This is because soccer players dribble a lot.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
Love at frost sight!
I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?
Sight unseen.
Are you German? Cuz you’re a Nein and I’m the one Ja need.
It's always a first class trip with me.
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
Baby, you rock my world!
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
How does Bigfoot clear his sinuses?
With a yeti pot.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
Hey babe, how about I plan a romantic weekend get away, and while I’m gone you can pack your shit and GTFO?
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
Babe can I get a cookie that tastes like you?
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
I whale-y like you.
I like long runs on the beach.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
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