Where do dolphin races end?
Dolphinish line!

Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?

Hey babe. Wanna go for a timmies run?

How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!

What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.

I know, I’ll never have a chance with you but will you give me a chance to hear an angel talk?

What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.

“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”

- Lloyd Alexander.

On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.

We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.

Everyone wondered why Cinderella was such a bad player. If only they knew, her coach was a pumpkin.

As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.

I'm no Joseph. Perhaps you can help me interpreting the dreams I've been having about you?

Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.

My bank is really proud of me.
According to them, I have an outstanding balance!

"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"

After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes

How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.

Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling Of Isolation

This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.

It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.

(Kevin Nishmas)

“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen

Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."

Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."

Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."

Me: "But you said I had 3!"

Genie: "Sue me."

I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.

What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.

What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!

How Rudolf you to say that!

Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.

Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!

Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.

We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.

Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!

What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.

The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'

The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.

Remember, Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you. They Seamus all.

Where do deer get all of their coffee?
Star-bucks!

An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.

Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.

Did you ever hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.

On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan

There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."

So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son
"Beehive!"

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!

Can February March? No. But April May.

Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!

Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting

Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.

Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.

For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.

Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose