My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
If you were an element you'd be francium because you're the most attractive.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Ooh, I love your accent. What is it, agogic?
Pumpkin Spice season is finally here, better latte than never.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
Trowel and error.
Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.
Don’t worry, beer happy.
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
I'm single and desolate. Can you help me?
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
Are you Spotify? Cause I can listen to you all day.
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
How did they punish the longshoreman whose improper ship mooring caused the destruction of a pier?
They docked his pay.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
Aren't you tired? Because you've been galloping through my mind all evening.
Q. Which game do hunters go after first?
A. The nearest and the deerest.
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
I'm a proverbs 32 kind of guy and you're a proverbs 31 kinda woman.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
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