Do you have any sunscreen? 'Cause you are burning me up!
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Are you from Starbucks because I like you a latte!
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
Life is brew-tiful!
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
Did you hear about the fumbled exorcism? The guy retained possession!
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A spoo-key.
Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you.
Are you going to a beauty contest? Because you are looking damn beautiful.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t like being known about-?
Anonymouse.
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
I went to a new kind of show yesterday, which was hosted by a color-changing lizard. He was a good stand-up chameleon.
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
Baby, I'm like efavirenz. I can decrease your odds of nightmares, but you still may have strong vivid dreams about me — a very common side effect.
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
A truck carrying Lego got into an accident on the motorway. No one knows what happened; the authorities are still trying to piece everything together.
Did you hear about the watermelon who starred in a telanovella?
“It was melondramatic.”
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
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