“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.
Call me Rudolph, because you just sleighed me.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
The graphic designer's present company gave her a substantial raise while a rival company also gave a similar offer. I am now caught in hue minds!
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
You must be a Magnetar because I feel a strong magnetism between us.
What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? Pulled-Pork
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? The Space bar!
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!
Where do deer get all of their coffee?
Star-bucks!
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
Damn girl, are you a magician’s assistant? Because I want you to disappear from my life.
Beach, please.
Hey babe, now that the season's over, lets go back to my place and watch the highlight film.
Why do trees make the worst enemies?
Because they are the best at throwing shade.
When did the pianist finally turn their life around?
After they hit Rockbottomoff.
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
Honey, if you were a space station, you’d be called Deep Space Fine.
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
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