Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
You make me wanna go inside your wine cabinet and pull myself out a stiff one.
Can I be Candide with you?
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
Why do gnomes make such great secretaries?
Because they’re good at shorthand.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
There’s a new movie out called “The Truck.” I’ve seen the trailer, it looks great.
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
My exotic bird challenged me to a game of chess
I told him, "Toucan play at that game."
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
What kind of pet fish did the skeleton have?
A bonefish.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
You don't know jack-o-lantern
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
What did the lightning say to the fireworks?
"Hey! You stole my thunder."
What’s the capital of France?
The F.
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
If you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
What do ducks get after they eat?
A bill.
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
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