It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
I don’t know, but I will not smell it!
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
There's snow place like the mountains in winter.
I ain’t a personal trainer, but I can host a one-on-one workout !
We could do some cardio at your place
Practice safe text: use commas.
I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet...
They were two toucans.
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your body heat with me.
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
Wanna join me for some downward doggy-style tonight?
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
Hey, want to get together sometime since we both have unpaired electrons?
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
I like you a lily bit more every day.
The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
You’re my soul Santa.
Witches are always wand-ering around…
Q. Which famous magician always wore a multi-color suit on stage?
A. Hue-dini.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
It's ice to meet you.
A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN’T SAY BANANA!
Nice wrapping but I need to inspect it.
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
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