“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
What is a car’s favourite film?
Taxi.
Who does May like the best?
April Showers, because April Showers brings May flowers!
What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana
"If I win, I get to take you home. If you win, you can come home with me."
- Trees Lounge (1996)
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
Do you prefer stiff or limp fishing rods?
Is your Spotify working? Because I would love you to join my family plan.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
Sit back and relax… I fix broken hearts.
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
Irish I may, Irish I might.
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
Did you know that unicorns live in New York City? I swear why do you think their called uNYCorns?
Sorry lady, I'll have to eat you after dinner.
Because you're a snack!
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
I'd like to get to know you biblically.
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
My apologies for not flirting, I'm trying to seduce you with my awkwardness.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
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