Are you a bowl of Lucky Charms? Because you appear to be magically delectable!
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
I'm glad there's freedom of religion because I worship you.
In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
Want to break the wishbone? I’m wishing for a date with you.
What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
I saw you and I pictured us as swans, we could mate for life.
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
I can figure out the square root of any number in less than 10 seconds. What? You don’t believe me? Well, then, let’s try it with your phone number.
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
I think we'd grow a great organic garden together.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
"You deserve better and so do I."
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
My mom told me it would be good for my self-esteem if I asked out people who aren't conventionally attractive.
Halloween is the night of darkness. But you are brighter than an angel.
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
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