Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.

I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.

What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.

What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated

Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.

What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!

"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!

Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM

What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.

My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"

What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.

You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.

Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.

Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.

What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.

“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer

What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.

All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!

A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?

How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!

Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray

Are you an onion? Cause I want to peel your layers.

Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.

What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."

We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.

Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.

I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.

(Anonymous)

What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain

Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.

I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.

Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries

What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.

Of course your name is Amy. I can already tell you’re Amy-zing

Readers do it by the book.

What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.

I just lost my job and may be Baroque, but that doesn't mean I can't show you a good time.

Brianna-st, on a scale of 1-10, how perfect was that pun?

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin

If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you.

What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!

Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.

What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.

Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!

What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."

Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!

What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.

There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.

What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.