I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
You: Can I borrow a quarter?
She: why? (if she says sure or something else get her to ask you why).
You: so I can call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
How did the pine propose to the apple? With a pineapple ring.
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
Who’s ready to party their shamrocks off?
Why did the dolphin blush?
Because it saw the ocean’s bottom!
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Well, I have to say I am William-pressed with you
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
If I was a planet and you, my moon! I’d stop spinning just by looking at you.
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
Unlike the Leafs, I will never let you down.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
What happens if you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
My moment in the sun.
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
With me with you, anywhere becomes the perfect Champ-site.
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