Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
I don’t want your candy, what I really want is your number.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
Lettuce go on a long drive.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Want to go shopping? Today only there's a special deal: 30% off on my heart!
After bidding farewell to my neurosurgeon friend, we promised that we would grey in touch!
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
You make me feel a lot giddier like I have eaten a box of chocolate.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
The pint’s the limit.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.
Salty but sweet.
An Australian chess player went into a restaurant and ordered food. After having his food , the waiter asked him "Cash or Credit , Sir?"
He said "Cheque , mate."
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
What do gnome mothers often say to their naughty children? Wait till your father gets gnome.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
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