What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
Guess my spotify is broken. I saw you on the top 10 of this month, but you're clearly a solid 11.
I only have ice for you.
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
I do not want your candy, what I want is your number.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
The fact that I'm missing some teeth only means that there's more room for your tongue.
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
"Alcohol you later."
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
Why’d you dress up as a princess, when you could have simply come in plain clothes as the most beautiful girl at the Halloween party?
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Owls say.
Owls say who?
Yes, they do.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
Will you integrate with me? I will differentiate whoever comes in our way.
Everyone knows Albert Einstein because of his research in physics. But most people don’t know about his brother who did research in monster making...
His name was Frank.
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
Hey babe, wanna make a zygote?
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
Metaphors be with you.
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