What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon!
You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
The temperature can only go up from here.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.
I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
Want to see the real coming attraction?
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
Nice beach balls, can I play?
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
Need a cart? No? How about a girlfriend?
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
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