What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet? blood-thirsty hacker baby
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor you let me in or I`ll climb through the window.
What are police cars made of?
Copper
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
What do you call a giant mushroom? Hu-fungus.
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
A good workman doesn't blame his fools
\*tools.
Stupid keyboard.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
If I had to choose between breathing and loving you, I'd take my last breath to say "I Love You".
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.
Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
What do you call a T-Rex that gets into a fight with the Indominus Rex? Dino-sore.
Sleigh, what?!
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
What do you call someone from Spain who lives near the Portuguese border?
Span-ish.
My apologies for not flirting, I'm trying to seduce you with my awkwardness.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
Excuse Me, I’ve lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
What would you call an elf with lots of money?
W-elfy!
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
Are you sugar? Because I want you in everything I have.
I am so dedicated to basketball, but I promise you I will bring that dedication to our relationship.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
Hey, remember back when we were a thing… Yeah… Good times.
If I was your heart would you let me beat?
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