Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
Are you wi-fi? Cause I’m totally feeling a connection.
Hey girl, did you know I'm a cashier?
Because I'm totally checking you out.
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter be quick, I have to go to the bathroom!
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
I'd take that cackhanded banana-bender on a walkabout
Girl you are rocking this run.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
St. Patrick’s Day makes me Spring to life.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
Baby, you’re hotter than Rome under Nero.
You’re like a pair of goggles; without you, everything’s a blur.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!
Honey, do you like water? That means you already like 80% of me.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
I can heartly wait to see you.
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
What do you call a kangaroo sanctuary?
A kazoo.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
How are a volleyball coach and a dentist similar? They both use drills.
Dr. Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It’s a new pill consisting of 50 percent glue and 50 percent aspirin.
Igor: But what is it for?
Dr. Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
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