What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.

Are you a cat? Because you look purrrfect!

So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.

May the mass times acceleration be with you.

My Roomba accidentally rolled out of my front door, and the neighborhood squirrels and rabbits immediately started attacking it.
Nature abhors a vacuum.

My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta

Are you the Count Dracula? When you stared at me, my heart stopped.

How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!

What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.

“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke

The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.

What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"

Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!

I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.

I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"

What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!

What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.

Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"

What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.

What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.

Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!

Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.

“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown

What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.

The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.

What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.

Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.

Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.

What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death

What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns

So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious

There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman

Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"

What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!

Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!

What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!

What do you call a magician on a plane? A flying sorcerer!

What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.

The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.

I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.

You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.

You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer

You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.

But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.

I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!

What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.

Are you a lexicographer? Because you make my life more meaningful.

"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell

When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.

My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.

Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.

I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."

Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?