How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
Can you explain why your neighbor’s yard is so messy and overgrown?
“We’d never.”
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
Are you a pile of soiled dishes? Because I want to spend the entire evening with you.
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
Is your name Summer? It has to be, because you're hot!
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
You must be Gisele Bundchen’s twin sister. You know the one no one talks about because she’s more beautiful than Gisele.
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
How are a volleyball player and a carpenter similar? They both love to hammer spikes.
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.
(Ogden Nash)
This must be decaf, cause you’re just dreamy!
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
Where do astronauts go for lunch?
Apollo Loco.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
My buddies bet me that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl on the river. Would you like to get a drink later with their money?
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
Some see a puddle of mosquito larva.
I see a pool of enbitenment.
It’s a good thing I have my library card because I am totally checking you out.
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
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