Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?
Reggae-Toni.
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
What did hear about the two bats meeting?
It was love at first bite!
What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? the alpha bet
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
Excuse me, may I have this mating dance?
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
It's tough to tell if the sky is ever happy or not. It always looks so blue!
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
You’re sweeter than fructose.
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.
English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Sherbet
I'm usually not very prophetic.
But I can see us together.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
I'll be your farm boy if you'll be my Princess Bride.
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
Man: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
Woman: Nah, it was plain bad luck!
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
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